Avoiding conflict might be keeping the peace, but what's it costing you?
Do any of these sound familiar?
You avoid confrontation and fear conflict. Just thinking about the possibility of conflict makes you feel anxious, uncomfortable, and maybe even a little nauseous. An argument or fight can leave you feeling 'off' for hours, maybe even days.
You want to speak up – but you're afraid to. Yeah, part of you feels like there's a problem, but when you think about speaking up there's also that nagging little voice of self-doubt in your head telling horror stories about might happen, which inevitably spikes your anxiety.
You worry about being seen as selfish, mean, or 'too much'. You're full of fear, frustration, and resentment, but it's all so tangled that expressing it feels impossible.
You've been swallowing your feelings for too long, and now the resentment is building. That people-pleasing pattern may have kept the peace at first, but now it's creating tension and disconnection with the people in your life ... and maybe with yourself, too.
There's a good reason it's difficult
If this sounds like you, know this: you're not broken. But, you might not have learned good communication or conflict management skills. When you combine that with high empathy (and the heightened sensitivity that comes with it), conflict becomes doubly challenging. Whether you call it conflict avoidance, people pleasing, or just being ‘too nice,’ this pattern is more common than you think—and change is possible.
How does therapy help with conflict avoidance?
Here's some of the changes clients can experience as a result of our work together:
Greater confidence and assertiveness, so you can speak up in situations that used to be paralyzing—whether at work, with family, in your closest relationships.
Practical communication tools to help you navigate conflict with more clarity, calm, and empathy.
A new perspective on conflict: seeing difficult conversations as chances for connection and growth instead of threats to avoid.
Less anxiety, less avoidance, and more ease in your life and relationships.
"You gave me the gift of insight to see patterns in myself that had been causing me to hold myself hostage and stay stuck. By working with you I have been able to move my life forward, stop fearing failure and judgement, identify and move away from negative relationships, and feel like myself again for the first time in a long time."
-GB
The When, Where, and How
I see clients virtually (via phone or video) throughout California. (In-person 'walk & talk' sessions are also available if you're in the Sacramento area.)
Generally, we’ll have weekly or bi-weekly calls, but there are also options for asynchronous support via secure messaging if that fits what you need.
While I'm not contracted with any insurance panels, I can provide a superbill for out of network reimbursement.
HSA funds can also generally be used.
"I can’t think of one time in the last two years that I didn’t walk away from a session with Steve without some gem of an insight. Old limiting patterns that have plagued me my entire life have finally begun to dissolve. At first, I wondered if the cost would be worth it. Looking back, I find it hard to overstate the value of those sessions."
-DT
FAQ
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At this time, I only work with individuals, as I want to focus on helping them develop and practice the skills they need to more effectively face the conflicts in their lives.
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It depends (I hate the vagueness of that answer, but it's the honest one.) For some clients, it's just a few months while they tackle a specific challenge. For others it's longer-term, because they value the ongoing support of having a trusted advisor help them navigate through life.
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My fee is $225 per 50-minute therapy session. I also have concierge therapy options for people looking to do more intensive work, and see a limited number of clients for a reduced fee.
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Under California law, everything in our sessions (including the fact that we're having them) is confidential unless there are safety concerns or you give me permission to share information about our sessions with someone else.
Meet Steve
I grew up as a sensitive kid in a single-parent home where I didn't learn much about how to deal with conflict or stand up for myself. Over time, I got pretty good at avoiding conflict, but also paid the price: getting taken advantage of, missing out on real connections, and carrying lots of resentment.
That pattern eventually contributed to an episode of depression. It was a difficult time, but it also served as a critical turning point that marked the beginning of a growth journey and career pivot that took me from 'tech guy' to psychotherapist.
Since 2002, in my work as a counselor, psychotherapist (CA licensed MFT #43212), and coach, I’ve had the privilege of helping hundreds of people learn how to overcome their fear of conflict and learn how to stand up for themselves, without stepping on others. The work my clients do both inspires me and challenges me to continue my own growth journey.
Outside of work, you can probably find me reading, playing games with my family, helping the dogs at our local animal shelters, making music, or eating pizza & drinking something fizzy.
"I am a far more confident person that has learned to accept myself more than I had ever hoped to do so when we started working together."
-DR
What’s Next?
If you’ve found yourself nodding as you’ve read through this page, there’s a good chance I can help. I know it can be challenging to find a therapist who's a good fit, and you can only tell so much from a website. So, if you’re curious to explore how therapy can help you overcome conflict avoidance, you can send me an email with any questions you have or schedule a consultation. No expectation, obligation, just a chance to connect explore what makes sense for you.